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We've been friends for over two decades, a person who's faced and conquered numerous challenges, and I respect her for that. Yet, she has been constantly blindsided in relationships. Her spouse ended their marriage, and it was an unexpected event. A lot of close acquaintances vanished at that point, because they seemed drawn to the spouse. This surprised her deeply. She made increased attention in our friendship, and must have understood more acutely what friendship was.

A Recurring Theme In Relationships

Over the years, several of her friends have disappeared without her being certain of the reason. The company she worked for became hostile, although she was an excellent employee, she departed not understanding what had changed.

Present Situation

Recently, we've both retired leading to more time together, however, I feel my position in the relationship is to listen. I open discussion points and she changes them to her own topics. Politically, she expresses unyielding views. I attempt to propose verifying facts and alternate views.

She is planning a vacation to a nation I've visited on several occasions and resided in for a while. I attempted to share advice, but this was met with resistance. She purely just desired validation of her choices. I've just ended a month in that place and she wants to catch up, but I don't.

Weighing the Options

I hesitate in this role who abandons suddenly without a word, however, I feel she can understand the consequences of how she acts on my confidence. At this point, I am in avoidance mode. How should I proceed?

Ways Forward

One option is to walk away, but it is rarely the peaceful resolution that we desire. However, addressing it with the goal of working things out takes courage and openness from both people.

Professional advice indicates using a useful conflict resolution tool:

"The first step is to state the usual pattern when you talk. This needs to be based on facts like what a recording device would replay. Step two is to tell how this leaves you feeling. This allows for no argument about this. Emotions are valid, after all. Step three is to ask how you are both going to change the interaction between you."

Remember that she also holds perspectives, so you need to remain ready to acknowledge it. One effective method is to say her:

"Now you talk while I will not say anything for 30 minutes."

This can be impactful to encourage understanding.

Closing Considerations

This person could ignore all you say, since certain individuals have a “survival narrative”: they have a narrative of their life they won't let go of since their identity relies on it and it's all they've known. This poses a challenge because there's no clear path with these people, just dead ends. However, she might initially present like this and then think on your words. If a resolution isn't found an agreement, it will give you satisfaction that you've been open and direct.